EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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