Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
