This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize