Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
