Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
