just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
