just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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