how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
