no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
