ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
