I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize