last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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