He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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