I smell stomach acid.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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