there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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