Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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