I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
