I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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