Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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