i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
