so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
