We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
