u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
