Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
