im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
