please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize