when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
