someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
