This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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