I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
