We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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