It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the liver wants what the liver wants
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize