Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
