walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
