The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
