nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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