omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
