he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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