Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
