i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
