The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
