I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
