hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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