I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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