so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
