ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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