so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
