we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
