If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Welp...herpes.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
