if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
