Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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