I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
