There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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