I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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