I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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