I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
