i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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